Most people are not overwhelmed by what is happening in their lives. They are overwhelmed by how they react to it, their thoughts, their emotions and their actions.
Our pasts create an intricate jigsaw puzzle of memories which the brain cleverly draws upon when deciding how to keep us safe – the brain is wired for survival.
As clever as it is, however, it often struggles to differentiate between stress that is life-threatening and stress that is in our minds and thoughts.
Our system is designed to react based on past experiences; good and bad.
If you have ever reacted to something and thought ‘Whoa! Where did that come from?” that’s your brain triggering a defence mechanism based on a past experience. Your reaction happens without conscious thought – you fly spontaneously into self-defence mode.
When such reactions happen without awareness, it can feel intense, confusing, and concerning.
The pathway to calm begins with two simple but powerful steps: awareness and acceptance.
Understanding Awareness
Awareness is the ability to notice what is happening inside you in real time (or very soon after).
This includes:
- Physical sensations (tight chest, racing heart)
- Emotions (frustration, sadness, anxiety)
- Thoughts (“This isn’t fair”, “I can’t handle this”)
Without awareness of how our brain and body is functioning and why, triggered reactions often feel very out of control.
Learning to become aware of our reactions, to question and to understand, allows us to feel more at peace with what is happening with our emotions and our bodies and, with practise, we can use our knowledge and understanding to change how we react in the moment.
When you next have a big reaction to something, see if you can pause for a moment and become aware of what is happening within you.
“Whoa…that was a BIG response. What was that all about? Why might I have reacted that way?”
“Why is this making me teary?”
“What about this person’s behaviour is making me so disproportionately irritated?”
“Why might I be feeling so intensely passionate about this subject?”
Why Reactions Feel So Strong
As I briefly touched on earlier, our reactions are not just about the present moment. They are influenced by past experiences, emotional memory, learned beliefs and the sensitivity of our nervous systems.
This is why a small situation can sometimes create a large emotional response.
Your brain and body are responding not only to what is happening now, but to what it has learned before.
For example, if you experienced bullying at school and witness bullying or exclusion in the workplace, your nervous system will instantly respond in a way that may have you jumping forcefully to the defence of the victim or experiencing an intense hatred of the perpetrator. These emotions and responses might seem disproportionate to the current circumstances. They are driven by the intensity of the emotions you experienced in the past.
The Role of Acceptance
Awareness alone is not enough. You may be aware of how you reacted and may even have an idea of why you reacted how you did but awareness isn’t the only factor in this equation. You need acceptance, curiosity and understanding.
If awareness is followed by judgment, your nervous system remains on high alert.
Acceptance is what allows the system to calm.
Step one is acknowledging what you feel, allowing it to be present with curiosity and removing the immediate need to judge it.
Responsibility Without Self-Blame
Your reactions are shaped by your history. They are not something you chose.
However, you can certainly choose to become aware of them.
This is where responsibility comes in. Responsibility is not blame. It is recognising your patterns and learning from them so you can work towards the possibility of responding differently over time.
A Practical Approach
When something triggers a big reaction or emotion within you, try this:
• Pause
• Notice what you feel – “My chest is feeling tight and it’s a bit harder to breath”
• Name it – “I’m feeling quite nervous right now”
• Allow it to be there…view it with curiosity – “I wonder what this is?”
Don’t feel any pressure to try to fix it immediately. Quite often, the act of allowing the sensations and recognising them (the awareness) reduces the intensity on its own.
Letting Go of Control
Many people stay activated because they are not conscious of what is happening within them and are being carried away with the emotions that are happening at the time with no awareness of themselves in the moment. Instead of being conscious of their own part in the situation, they try to control what is happening around them, trying to control other people and outcomes.
We can rarely control other people and often have limited control over outcomes. Learning to accept the discomfort you are experiencing due to emotional reactions and limited control of the situation reduces this struggle. The process of acceptance creates a little window of relaxation that can allow a new more balanced viewpoint to emerge.
It shifts the question from: “How do I control this?” to “What is happening inside me right now and how can I sit with this?”
Conclusion
You can’t control others, or what happens around you or to you, but you can take on some awareness and some level of control over what happens within you.
Calm emerges when:
• You are aware of your internal experience
• You accept it without resistance and learn from it
Don’t expect this to be an instant cure for all your emotional reactions. This is a skill that develops over time. Small moments of awareness. Small acts of acceptance. Consistency is the key. Gradually, your emotional intelligence grows, and life feels a little less strained and a lot more calm.
